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The Real Reasons #Divorce And #Suicide Affects #Men More Than #Women

1. The ‘Deadbeat’ Dad label

Who is a deadbeat? The father of course. Even if he pays the child support and/or alimony imposed by the court. Why is the father always a deadbeat? Because the child support and alimony payment will always result in less money for his ex and kids. The divided family now has to support two rents or two mortgages, for two households. As a result, his ex and kids are going to feel the pain of less money. Access to less money than in the past, leads to open hostility to the father. Even if he pays the exact amount ordered by the court. And besides the hostility, there is a new false narrative that he is not paying his fair share.

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2. Alienation And Estrangement From Children

What happens when the mother considers the division of money by the court to be unfair? Or fair but still unsatisfactory? The father almost has no chance of ever having a good relationship with his children again. His status changes from dad to ‘deadbeat’ dad. The mother will impute that the father can afford more money than the court decided. He is in a losing battle for the heart and minds of his kids.

As a result of this dissatisfaction, the mother influences the kids to hate their fathers for lack of financial support. Whether this influence is intentional or not, the result is alienation or estrangement. Misery is always associated with unmet expectations. In this case, misery occurs when the mother expects a larger share in the monthly income. Who is the target of this misery? The father.

It is unbearable for a man to feel loathing from his own children. Especially when he is doing his best to support them. He also has nowhere else to turn for more financial or emotional support. In this case, a man no longer feels that he has anything to live for. The mental pain of loathing from his own children is enough to send him over the edge. The only option left at this point is to commit suicide, to get relief from this great pain of isolation and derision.

The chronic demonization of the father can lead to permanent alienation or estrangement. If you have children, can you imagine how a permanent estrangement from them would feel? Estrangement between a father and his children is enough to cause clinical depression.

Estrangement from children is the reason why the divorce and suicide risk is so high for men. The same reason that women are less likely to commit suicide is the same reason that divorced men are more likely to commit suicide. The temporary or permanent estrangement from their children.

If you are going through alienation, protect yourself and children from divorce poison.

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Related Natural Treatment for Depression Post:

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3. Financial Ruin

A man can end up paying 50 % of his income for child support and alimony, with another 20 or 30% on taxes, and debt from legal fees. If he is poor, he will not feel much difference in his lifestyle. The court does not have much to take from him. And, if he is wealthy, he can hire lawyers who will protect him from the court. He too will not feel much of a difference after divorce.

But, it is the middle class man, he is the one who will be most affected by the divorce. He is in a financial crisis. There is for example the refusal of the court to allow for any economic downturns. If his business has a difficult year, the child support and alimony payment has no immediate sliding scale. As a result, he is subject to monthly threats of arrest and jail by the child support agencies.

Forget about retirement in style. In the old days, he dreamed of himself relaxing on the beach or in a second home. Now, while sitting in his one room apartment, he knows that one room might be as good as it gets. After ten, twenty or more years of working and saving, he now feels like he is back to square one. Even worse than square one, suicide seems like a better option than sitting and stewing for the rest of his life. Especially when he knows that he might end up homeless on the streets. There is also the threat of losing his professional license if he is not able to pay the child support. In contrast to the enforcement of child support, the court will not enforce visitation.

4. Criminalization Of A Law Abiding Citizen

Men report feeling as if the judge or opposing attorney in divorce court treat them like a criminal. While they slice up whatever income he makes at a job where he is treated like a human being. This creates cognitive dissonance and the mental stress of living in conflicting realities.

At his job, where the court wants him to remain successful to provide child support, he is not held in contempt . In fact, he might be held in high esteem with a title and responsibility. The court on the other hand treats him like a criminal. This ravaging of a man’s self esteem, is another reason why the risk of divorce and suicide is so high for men.

5. Losing The Entire Structure Of Family Life And Home

Yesterday, he had his wife and children around him. Today he lives alone, without his family, especially without his children. Before his divorce, he lived in a decent home, and in a good neighborhood. In fact, he might have designed and built this dream home himself. But now, he finds himself in a garage, or an apartment, or in his friend’s or mother’s basement, or living out of his car. And he will soon have to return the car because he cannot afford to pay for the lease.

He realizes that he no longer has a home. On top of that, he no longer has the funds to pay for his new small living quarters. Wherever they may be. This all contributes to a precipitous loss of self-esteem.

6. Being Declared Dangerous

Men are vulnerable to being treated as ‘dangerous’ or ‘depressed’ by the court or guardians of the court. A common tactic of the opposing divorce lawyer is to persuade the judge that the father is dangerous. Or depressed. Fear is a great persuader. If the judge believes there is a credible fear that the father is dangerous, he is going to lose his relationship with his kids.

All it takes is for the opposing side to accuse him of being dangerous. Even if the accusation is false, it is difficult to prove it false. Because it is now a he said / she said argument. And the judge will decide in favor of protecting the children from a falsely accused ‘dangerous’ father.

7. Needing A Supervisor

One of the biggest humiliations is needing to see your children with a supervisor. Imagine if you can no longer be alone with your children. This further cements the idea in your children’s minds that you are dangerous. As a result, their fear grows and they no longer relish the idea of being in your company. Not only do you have to see you kids with a supervisor, you are also the one who has to pay for the time of the supervisor. Imagine that humiliation.

8. Loss Of Total Identity

Men after divorce are usually the ones who lose more than their marriage. Besides the marriage, he also loses his children, friends and family who may now have become distant. As a result, he no longer recognizes his life. How do men after divorce feel about their life? They feel cut out of their own family portrait. As if they no longer exist or never existed, because the family they helped to create, is gone.

9. Shock

Men often do not see the ‘signs’ that their relationship is in trouble. By the time their wife decides to start divorce proceedings, it is too late. Unfortunately for men, they are not great mind readers. Unless their wife communicates that there are problems in their marriage. It is not enough to say that he should have known there is a problem from the ‘signs’. As a result, his wife knows that she is over and done with the marriage. Sometimes years before he ever had a clue.

Therefore, when she pulls the trigger and serves him with divorce papers, he goes into shock. And she does not, because she has been planning the divorce for months, or even years. The best way to deliver a message is to say it, especially when it comes to dissolving your entire family. Not by giving hints or signs and expecting the other party to be aware. Some say that 75 – 80 percent of the time, the husband has no clue that the divorce is already in process.

When he is not prepared for divorce papers, that shock alone can send him into a tailspin of depression. His ex might have thought that ambushing him with divorce papers in his driveway to humiliate him in front of his kids, or at the office to embarrass him at work, was a wonderful idea. But in the end, if he suicides due to the shock, she only hurts her own children.

10. The Loss Of Reality

Which brings us to the point of non existence. A man after divorce, is more likely to feel as if he has lost all touch with reality. For his ex, she remains in the marital home, and she remains with the children. She is not treated like a pariah by the child support agency, the court or court appointed ‘guardians’. Her reality is not too different from her life before divorce. Other than the fact that her ex is no longer in the home. But, for him, his life is upside down. Suicide becomes a much more attractive option than constant degradation.

11. Disgrace Kills, Not Divorce

Divorce cases are not decided overnight. First comes the delivery of the divorce action to appear at the opposing lawyer’s office or to appear in court. Imagine you do receive a subpoena on your front lawn in front of your kids or neighbors. Or in your office in front of your coworkers and boss. You will have a mountain of disgrace to deal with. Once your office and co workers are aware of the divorce proceedings, a cloud will hang over your head.

Soon you will be busy preparing net worth statements. Trying to keep up with lawyer fees, and going to court dates. Writing, answering or editing papers written by yourself, or if you can afford, your lawyer.

12. A Catastrophic Year Or More

The divorce process can take one to two years, sometimes longer. If he is not able to keep focus on his job, he runs the risk of losing his employment. Imagine you lose your children, marriage, home, friends, neighbors and career, in the same year. This explains the connection of divorce and suicide.

These are the factors that lead to depression for a father:

Separation or worse, estrangement from his children, as well as sensing the rejection of his children. The demonization by his ex, the court and the child support enforcement agency.

The loss of money, home, car, career, neighbors, friends, and community. These all lead to depression. Severe and chronic depression is a clear suicide risk.

13. Loss Of Love And Affection

Your ex-wife still has the love and affection of her children and how they need her. The children have their own trauma and have already lost their father. He is gone from their physical space and is a deadbeat in their heads. Even when he is complying with the court. All the father feels is that everyone is angry at him for not providing enough money. Even when he gives as ordered by the court, the expectation is that he should be giving more.

He only feels that his family wants money and nothing more from him. He is nothing more than an ATM machine. There is no love or affection. This loss of love and affection is another prime reason for the divorce and suicide risk for men.

14. No Support

A man is less likely to have the emotional and friend support that a woman has. Especially if he has been working in a career during his marriage. A woman is more likely to have developed emotional bonds outside of her job with friends. A man is more likely to focus on his work. When the divorce hits, he is only left with work and no more emotional support from his family.

Now, after work, instead of going to a home, he is more likely to go to his new post-divorce living quarter and stew over what went wrong. As a result, the sense of isolation for a man is very intense after divorce. This severe sense of isolation is another link between divorce and suicide for men after divorce.

15. Negative Side Effects Of Antidepressants

When women prepare for divorce, one strategy they are advised to use by friends or lawyers, is to get her husband on antidepressants. They suggest and sometimes insist that their husband take medications for ‘your own good’, or to ‘take off the edge’. This is a big mistake. Once you are on antidepressants, you are now assumed to be ‘flawed’ and someone to fear. The greatest persuader is fear of danger. And a man on antidepressants becomes a frightful character in the eyes of the law.

Now that you are on meds, the judge assesses that you might be dangerous. Now, the judge will rule to order visitation with a supervisor. This starts the ball rolling to estrangement from your own children. Women push antidepressants to help them get an advantage in court and do not think about the catastrophic consequences for their husband’s or children’s physical and mental health.

The sad reality is that the judge will see a devoted father as dangerous to his children. All the judge sees is that the dad is using antidepressants and is now a danger to his children and himself.

Once you are on antidepressants, you face a new danger to your mental and physical health. Antidepressants do have side effects that double the risk of suicide, which is why most antidepressants come with warning labels that they could cause suicidal ideation or suicide.

If he does not suicide, he still faces the onslaught of slowed movement & night sweats. Along with other side effects like insomnia, loss of feeling in extremities, nightmares and general malaise.

Recommended Reading:

Antidepressants DOUBLE your Risk of Suicidal Ideation

16. No Future

Some men after divorce see no future. His wife still has a life and family, the children, and/or friends. He sees a life of struggling to pay the bills, avoiding jail, and with no emotional feedback. And worse, no relationship with his kids.

What is the point of living?

He sees no path to living a good life. The mental pain of knowing that he has no path to a good life leads a man think that the best course of action is to end his life now. Why? Because he feels that the key aspects of his life, which gave his life meaning, are over. So, since it is already over, he might as well end it.

17. From Dad To ‘Visitor’

How do you recreate your life, after ten, twenty or thirty years of marriage dissolves? The wife’s life is much the same, the father’s is in upheaval. The losses of marriage, children, income, home, security, stability, and pride.

They all happen in a short amount of time.

This causes enough shock and humiliation to the father to contemplate suicide. She is still the mother and the father becomes a ‘visitor’. No one likes to lose their status. The demotion from father to visitor is a catastrophic humiliation.

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